I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP
For those of you have somehow managed to spend the last year without viewing A Current Affair, Geraldo or a copy of the Post-Dispatch, I have important news. There is available on the World Wide Web material which is considered by some to be objectionable and a threat to impressionable young minds.
Believe it or not, even as you read this column, children from throughout the St. Louis area &endash; yes, even Webster Groves &endash; may be accessing this material without adult supervision. The time has come to demand that Congress quit picking on old folks and address the growing menace that threatens to turn the Information Superhighway into an electronic Road to Hell.
I refer of course to the dangerous growth of &endash; I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP &endash; pirated Dave Barry columns on the Web. Consider the following:
- Although the Dave Barry Frequently Asked Questions page states "it is a violation of copyright laws to reproduce Dave's column (by any means, including electronically), so don't even think about typing one in and posting it," a Web search on "Dave Barry" yielded 2000 hits.
- Based on present trends, the best mathematical minds available, working with state of the art pocket calculators, have determined that every single page on the Web will be a pirated Dave Barry column SOMETIME IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE.
- An unnamed source within Microsoft Corporation confirms the company is "committed to offering competitive personalities" and will soon announce an upgrade to Bill Gates.
Powerful forces are at work to keep this alarming trend from public notice. As evidence of this conspiracy of silence, I have not received even one letter drawing my attention to this trend. More frightening &endash; to me as a Internet columnist anyway &endash; one of Dave's recent columns, Nuclear Picnic, featured a World Wide Web site. Is this fair? I mean Dave didn't even find the page himself, but was notified of it by "alert reader George Rasko."
Mr. Barry, you are a Pulitzer Prize winning columnist, author of several books and have an annual income of a gazillion dollars. I, on the other hand, work for a Pulitzer, own several books and &endash; if I have to compete with you &endash; will have no annual income. Would you stop if I threatened to permanently DISABLE YOUR SHIFT KEY?
Besides, shouldn't you be focusing on the bigger picture? I mean all those guys pirating your column are violating FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS. If they aren't stopped now, the next thing you know people will be using library copy machines to aid in illegally posting your work on refrigerator doors. Protect yourself, hire several lawyers and devote your life to tying up the court system.
And don't worry about your column. I'll be happy to cover for you.
Author's note: This has been an ACTUAL COLUMN. If it had been a shameless attempt to elicit a response from Mr. Barry &endash; preferably hand written on the inside cover of his latest book &endash; I would have told you so.
Further Dave Links:
Since it is a "violation of copyright laws to reproduce Dave's column" the crack GET OUT legal team has issued the following opinion regarding whether I can publish the addresses of the hundreds of sites which have posted his work:
"Uh, probably not."
HINT: search for "nuclear picnic," "how to attend a meeting" and "getting serious about college."
The Dave Barry news group &endash; a discussion group on the Internet devoted to all things Davidian: alt.fan.dave_barry
Fans of Dave may remember the STRAWBERRY POP TARTS BLOWTORCHES.
More STRAWBERRY POP TARTS BLOWTORCHES